You all know I travel to work in a company bus. You also know that the bus driver, Pandit is one interesting chap who has his very own dangerously unique style of driving. Here’s a guide to help you learn to drive, Pandit style. This may require you unlearning a few aspects of your present driving style.
Statutory warning: Driving Pandit style, may be injurious to health and/or life.
Step1: Turn on the engine of the bus. You have five minutes before the official leaving time so utilize the time by giving the engine a raise. Vrooom. Ah, the engine sounds good, let try again. Vroooom, Vrooom, Vrooooom. Look in the rear view mirror. If you spot frowny staff member , stop the vroooming and give them a watery guilty laden smile through the mirror. If not continue till the five minutes are up.
Step2: Start the bus by going straight from 0kmph to 45 kmph within a span of 5seconds. This may be a bit jerky for the passengers, but in time they will get used to it so don’t worry.
Step3: Ensure that as you drive down the narrow roads brimming with people you honk intermittently. Intermittently in this case means within a time gap of 60 to 90 seconds. Honk, honk and honk some more. And then throw in a little more honking. This is done purely for the safely of all the unpredictable pedestrians, the swerving motorist and the overly cautious mid-size car owners. None of these drive fast enough to keep pace with the bus. In addition they block the road and do not allow the bus free access to speed. Therefore it is indispensable that they be treated to incessant, loud honking so that they make way for the bus immediately. In case the reason behind the continuous honking doesn’t get though their thick head, it is perfectly acceptable to break one or two traffic rules and over take them from the left. ‘I honked, he didn’t listen so its his problem, not mine!’ However, it has been noticed that in most cases the loud honking is enough to force other drivers on the road into mute submission.
Step4: In the rare occurrence of your vehicle bumping into the one in front and causing minor negligible damage, deal with the situation in the way you know best. Before the guy knows what has hit him, yell at him loudly and tell him how his carelessness caused you to bump into his car. Your bus has been damaged just as much as his car. It is always the other guys fault and sometimes this little fact has to be drummed into his head. Sadly no one likes to admit their mistakes
Step5:Switch on the radio. You can choose from the three levels of volume available to you- loud, louder and loudest. It is absolutely essential to set the volume at loudest when any of the following singers/songs play on the radio station-
*punju upbeat numbers(irrespective of the singer)
* songs of unheard of third grade hindi movies.
Periodically check in the rear view mirror to see the joy on the faces of the passengers. Remember not to get disheartened when you discover most of them are either reading or sleeping and in the process completely ignoring the fabulous song playing. Also remember to completely ignore the lady of seat no2. She seems to be the unfriendly kind who wears an unpleasant expression as soon as one of the Reshammiya songs play. However be ware not to ignore her totally. If she seems obviously upset at the song and the volume, do her a favour and lower the volume one notch. She is not the tolerant kind and if you don’t reduce the volume on your own , she will tell you to do so.(Any guesses who the lady on seat no.2 is??)
Step6:While enjoying the songs playing on the radio, try singing along. This is fun to do. Besides being fun, it also carries the possibility of getting your mind so deeply engrossed in the song that you may forget a bus stop or too. Don’t worry needlessly. If you find a staff member banging his/her hand on the glass window of the driver’s cabin, do not panic. Give him/her a small smile and immediately pull the vehicle to the side. While you do this in a hurry, without a care for the traffic following behind the bus, you may be subjected to a few of the choicest gaalis from the people driving behind you. Take this in your stride. Such thing happen and given that the main objective of dropping off the staff member at the correct bus stop is met, you shouldn’t bother about much else.